Amber nichols kensington how to save money fast for a house blues

Don’t blame yourself… cause that’s what we do… addicts in general blame ourselves for everything and that’s what kills you… is holding on to that guilt and shame. It will make you go back out and use drugs. If you put that blame on yourself. Because I know I’m a different person whenever I’m using. I’m not, I don’t care about anyone and that’s just with everyone that I’ve met. So don’t blame yourself for things that have happened like in how to save money fast for a house your addiction. Because that makes you who you are and that’s why I’m telling my story because it might help somebody else.

Whenever I would go over to his house it was how to save money fast for a house like socially acceptable for me to be drinking… so I loved going there and um, I just remember getting really drunk and he would take how to save money fast for a house away all my liquor because I would just be outrageous. Like one time I broke somebody’s nose while I was drunk and my dad took how to save money fast for a house away my vodka and then he gave it back to how to save money fast for a house me because he was like ‘you don’t know how to control your liquor,’ like but I was really young so like of course how to save money fast for a house I didn’t.

By the time I was sixteen, let me just fast forward a little bit… my mom had left my stepdad because she had suspicion how to save money fast for a house like he was molesting me and she just was unhappy how to save money fast for a house finally so she left him and by the time I how to save money fast for a house was sixteen, I was always hanging out with older people because they how to save money fast for a house were always getting drugs and drinking and so I started how to save money fast for a house shooting up meth when I was sixteen and but my how to save money fast for a house whole life, like pills, like opiates were a constant, like no matter what, I was still doing opiates, like I mixed in every drug there was but opiates how to save money fast for a house were always there.

Like my mom would ground me, I would sneak out, get arrested all the time, but um my mom would um… after she left my stepdad, me and her did not talk and she blamed me how to save money fast for a house for us having to move out and her leaving him, um, we never talked about what she thought he was doing how to save money fast for a house or anything but she ended up getting with another guy how to save money fast for a house named chris, and chris hated me. He would like call me a worthless monster and just how to save money fast for a house say I was no good, she should just ship me off and get rid of how to save money fast for a house me.

And so my mom tried. She tried to put me in this place called boys how to save money fast for a house and girls town, its for like juvenile kids, like kids that have charges and stuff but I never how to save money fast for a house had charges stick on me so when she tried to how to save money fast for a house ship me off it didn’t work and he left her and he said it’s my fault because I was, you know, no good, blah, blah, blah, he couldn’t get rid of me…. And so my mom when he left her she’s like ‘I hate you, I wish I never had you,’ and I remember writing her a note saying that I how to save money fast for a house was so sorry that he left her. And I just wanted to be her friend and she how to save money fast for a house ripped it all out, like ripped it into pieces, threw it in my face and left. Amber nichols, 4.10.2019

I hated her, I hated my mom for a long time. Like, it just… I couldn’t, I couldn’t stand her and then on my sixteenth birthday we how to save money fast for a house were going to the city because she was like ‘I’m gonna buy you a present,’ so I- I bought my car myself, and we got there and I said my foot hurt how to save money fast for a house from driving cause it was like an hour and a how to save money fast for a house half and I had just got my car. And she was like, ‘you’re an ungrateful little bitch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,’ and she was just going off and we climbed back how to save money fast for a house in the car and she was like, ‘fuck it, just get in the car.’ so she’s driving my car but she’s screaming at me and so I’m yelling at her back and she just reaches over how to save money fast for a house and she backhands me. She had a ring on and it chipped my tooth. And I called my dad through like, I stuck the phone in my sleeve and I called how to save money fast for a house my dad and my dad heard everything and my mom how to save money fast for a house thought like I was talking to myself, like cause I was trying to explain where we were how to save money fast for a house and um, I explained where we were and the cops came.

I always got shipped off places. So when I was nineteen I started getting shipped off how to save money fast for a house to rehabs, um, because I’d be like, ‘ah, I can’t do this, I want help,’ and they would ship me off to florida, mississippi, chicago, jersey, philly and when I got shipped here I went to how to save money fast for a house detox in jersey and I AMA’d which is like leaving against medical advice, with some guy and I hitchhiked all the way from how to save money fast for a house tom’s river to camden and they were like, ‘oh no, I know a place you’ll love, kensington, its zombie land, you’ll love it, everybody walks around nodding out, like they got the best dope, like you’ll love it.’ and that’s how I ended up in kensington.

In my addiction I was a prostitute and I was how to save money fast for a house a stripper but I put the prostitution behind me so how to save money fast for a house I decided to strip in south philly and so I, I didn’t sleep for the whole two weeks like I was how to save money fast for a house so scared because I didn’t know where I was and I looked around me how to save money fast for a house and the shit I saw… so I would like sit at bus stops and I how to save money fast for a house would like nod out but as soon as I would how to save money fast for a house come to, I would get back up and keep walking again. And the guy that I left rehab with wanted more how to save money fast for a house drugs off me one night when I got off work how to save money fast for a house from stripping and I told him no and he pulled how to save money fast for a house a knife out and chased me and he was trying how to save money fast for a house to kill me or whatever, I don’t know what he was trying to do, he was trying to rob me but… um, I got away from him and then I was just how to save money fast for a house alone, in kensington… yeah, it was not a fun time.

I always had sugar daddy’s, everywhere I went, like even when I was homeless in kensington, my sugar daddy’s from st. Louis were sending me money. Yeah, so like, how I explain it was, I was a snake, like, I would slither into your life and I would stick how to save money fast for a house my fangs in you and I would suck all you how to save money fast for a house had out, like your emotions, your money, everything I could take from you I would, and when you didn’t have anything left for me I would leave, like, that’s just how I was. It was bad, it was a horrible way [to live], like I’m doing my step 4 right now and I really how to save money fast for a house got to look at myself and how bad I hurt how to save money fast for a house people.

I was engaged 3 times at the same time with how to save money fast for a house all different people that thought I actually loved them and how to save money fast for a house I didn’t, I loved heroin. I didn’t love anybody else, you know. I loved heroin more than I loved my son. I can say that because I know that it’s true. That’s all you think about, all you care about. And every time I would do heroin I would always how to save money fast for a house mix fentanyl and xanax together and every time I would how to save money fast for a house do it I would just wish I wouldn’t wake up. I would sit there and pray like, ‘please do let me wake up.’ and I would overdose and they would narcan me. And I didn’t overdose for a long time but then I started how to save money fast for a house overdosing, like 3 years of straight heroin addiction and never overdosed, then I started overdosing.

In october of last year, um, me and my boyfriend, my boyfriend was sober, I was sober, I got paralyzed by a chiropractor and I was in how to save money fast for a house jefferson for a month and a half and they were how to save money fast for a house giving me opioids for the pain. And I got out and I last like a week. I went to kensington got drugs, yeah, that’s where everybody goes. And I used and then I set it right down how to save money fast for a house and I went to a meeting. I had a week clean and then my boyfriend who how to save money fast for a house had a year and three months came over and he how to save money fast for a house was high. And instead of like saying… well I did try to call someone but he didn’t want me to call anybody. But instead of saying like get out, like I can’t be around you, I did what I always did. Like in every one of my relationships it was a how to save money fast for a house using relationship so I was like if I use with how to save money fast for a house him nothing bad can happen. And so I used with him and we went to how to save money fast for a house kensington, got more drugs, came back to his spot and then the last thing how to save money fast for a house he said to me was, “I love you,” and “we’re not doing this tomorrow.” and I nodded out, when I woke up, he was having trouble breathing, but you know like with heroin like, sometimes people like have trouble breathing but they come out how to save money fast for a house of it, so I threw water on him, I smacked him and I snorted another bag instead of how to save money fast for a house calling 911 and I nodded back out. And when I woke up he wasn’t breathing. He was dead. And I have no idea for how long because I how to save money fast for a house was out you know… and for three days after that I thought, I was in such denial that I thought he was how to save money fast for a house alive but nobody was telling me. And I went to detox, but they had hit me with narcan, when the ambulance got there, because by the time they got me to the hospital how to save money fast for a house I had overdosed… so, but I didn’t like eat or sleep or drink anything for like how to save money fast for a house 8 days, the whole time I was in detox because I just how to save money fast for a house hated myself so much, cause anybody in their right mind who wasn’t on drugs would call 911. But my thing was, he’s not overdosing, let me snort a bag and figure out how to how to save money fast for a house deal with this situation. Like that’s how you think on heroin. Like let me get high so I know how to how to save money fast for a house deal with this situation. Amber nichols, 4.10.2019 edited audio interview: part 2

Like, I get in my head about being on suboxone because how to save money fast for a house I was in NA and as soon as I got how to save money fast for a house put on suboxone my sponsor told me I wasn’t clean and I couldn’t claim to be. I, I thought about just giving up when she said that how to save money fast for a house to me. Thank god I didn’t, but when she told me that I was like, ‘why should I even do this thing?’ like I couldn’t share and say, ‘hey I have thirty days clean.’ she’s like, ‘you can’t do that.’ I was furious, I was in tears, I was like, ‘I’m not welcome?’ and I had been a member of NA for a how to save money fast for a house year and I had all my friends there and everyone how to save money fast for a house I asked said, ‘you’re not clean.’ all my sober friends told me, ‘you’re not clean.’ if I didn’t go to AA (instead of NA) I wouldn’t have stayed clean. I wouldn’t have…

I mean I don’t run around with a sign on my head sayin’ hey I’m on suboxone but the people that are close to how to save money fast for a house me know. And like my boyfriend knows. He’s an alcoholic, he’s in sobriety, he has like 8 months clean. He knows I’m on suboxone and he said okay. Like, I’m in psychology in school and I’ve seen the statistics of the maintenance combine with recovery how to save money fast for a house and its positive. Like I don’t even care if you’re high and you come into a meeting. Maybe, in-between like nods or whatever, you’ll hear something that makes you come back. You know, you need to accept people at where they’re at. Like I’m a big fan of harm reduction. Because some people aren’t ready so like what can we do, like, don’t use alone, you know, use clean needles, don’t share needles… I shared needles! I’m really lucking I didn’t get anything. I was a sex worker! I’m really lucky I didn’t get anything. You know but, people are so easy to push people away because they how to save money fast for a house are not where they want them to be.

And by the way, my mom and me are best friends now. She’s my biggest cheerleader. She’s, she never thought that she’d be able to see me sober. She never thought it. It was hard, cause I blamed her for a lot. You have to surrender. You have to want more like, I always say your rock bottom is whenever you raise how to save money fast for a house it up to meet you. Cause I hit my rock bottom a long time ago. But I, you got to stop digging. That’s what it’s all about. I had to surrender to the fact that I’m powerless over alcohol and drugs and I can never how to save money fast for a house use again. Like just for today. That’s all I try to do, make it till midnight, go to sleep. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s hard.

Like right now I almost have three months but the how to save money fast for a house last time I used, I used for five days and I lost my house, I lost my job… in five days, I was broke, I went through all my savings and I got kicked how to save money fast for a house out of my house, I lost my job, like it was horrible, for five days of using and I detoxed myself on how to save money fast for a house my bed. And that’s hard to do, I’d never done that before in my life. I always like, anytime I would get sick, automatically, ‘where can I get money? Where can I get drugs?’ even if I’m broke, I’m either gonna rob somebody or I’m gonna have sex with somebody so I cannot be how to save money fast for a house sick.

I never thought I’d be able to say it but, from high school drop out… I’m a college student. I work 40 hours a week. I’ve had the same job for over a year. I’ve gotten three raises while I was at that job, like I don’t know… I wake up everyday and I’m not dope-sick which is like amazing and I don’t have the want to use drugs on most days how to save money fast for a house which is a miracle because that’s what my whole, I don’t know, what, thirteen years of my life was about. And the crazy part about it is, is I have a life that I never thought I how to save money fast for a house would. Even though life gets ‘lifey.’ like, I never thought I’d be okay being a ‘normy.’ like I actually look forward to doing nothing. Like, I like going home, snuggling in bed after a long day and watching a how to save money fast for a house movie. Like, I’m boring or whatever, but like, I love it. I love like, I don’t have to like, run around trying to find drugs or figure out how how to save money fast for a house I’m gonna get something to eat or figure out where how to save money fast for a house I’m going to lay my head at night. Like my life is okay, like its stable and it’s only gonna get better. With recovery that’s what happens.

Ummm… my biggest fear is that I will relapse after I how to save money fast for a house have time and die an addict still. That’s my biggest fear because addiction is so sneaky. And it comes to you and its like ‘hey like, lets get high.’ and your brain just goes ‘okay,’ one day. Every time I’ve relapsed, that morning I woke up, I didn’t plan on relapsing and it just happened. But that’s my biggest fear… that I’ll die and addict. A using addict. Cause I see people with thirty years, five years, they go back out and they die. That’s the thing about this disease, is you can be doing great and then the next how to save money fast for a house day you’re not.

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